Saturday, February 03, 2007
blog
went for some cip today and helping elderly folks clean their 1 room flats. it looked kind of meaningful to me at the start until i realised that there was not much interaction with the occupant whose flat my group was supposed to clean. it was worse when there was a compulsory reflection session which was a total failure in my opinion. also, there were prizes for the 'best' group from each school which really contradicts the meaning of cip in the first place, in my view.
and onto other stuffs.
sometimes i find certain things difficult to put down. no matter how many times i try convincing myself to put it away, to move on, to just wake up from the dream/nightmare, i still can't seem to eliminate this little nagging voice in myself that keeps me in constant reminder of the matter of concern. worse still, just when i think it is over, something will appear to remind me of that thing and the whole cycle repeats by itself. it is really painful at times struggling to put such things past myself and yet the consequence of being consumed by it is something i do not wish to contemplate for its potential horror.
yet, when i decide to meet some of these things head-on, i find myself stuck in a catch-22 situation. on one hand, i want to just approach these things head-on and make the agony short but on the other hand i can't seem to pluck up the courage to embark on the first step in meeting such things head-on. this is partly driven by a fear of failure and partly an overprotective nature to defend my pride. talk of putting away one's pride is always easier than actually doing it.
occasionally, the contradictory part of myself will start to act up in such a situation. my emotional self will keep trying to self-convince that accomplishing something is possible in spite of the constant protests of near-impossibility of completing the same task from my rational self. i find myself beginning to listen to my emotional self much much more recently. this is partly due to a self-awareness of my overreliance on rational thoughts in my decision making process and also partly of trying to mould and assert my own emotional identity. however, i am also perturbed by the possibility that i am listening more to my emotional self not because of reducing my reliance on my rational thoughts, but rather for the sake of listening to my emotional self.
during normal days, i could suppress these internal struggles with a daily injection of numbing agents such as homework, cca and other stuffs. it is only on a day with a relatively lighter workload, eg a saturday like now, will the struggles start to feature more prominently. i see myself now as a lone person standing on a very large beach facing a larger and seemingly omnipresent ocean. it seems like my current internal struggles and conflicts are just waves that are hitting me. no doubt i am still standing with the daily grinding providing a temporary buffer from these waves. however, i have absolutely no idea when The Big One is going to hit me. i have been trying to suppress my internal conflicts by attempting to build a seawall to stop these waves, but yet the wall is flimsy at best.
i want to get out of this beach. i want to find a way to allay these fears, uncertainties and struggles. i just want a calm, peaceful mind.
yet as my inner self is constantly reminded, humans and concerns cannot be separated from each other. you cannot be a human without concerns. it is such a natural or human thing to have concerns. they say prevention is better than cure, but in this case, when there seems to be no way for prevention to take place, i can only settle for the 'cure' option.
if there's a freedom that i truly desire, it is the freedom from concerns and desires.
but first, there's a physics test on monday to study for.
shermon blogged @ 4:44 pm
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