Wednesday, January 25, 2006
blog
Most people depict the world as being bright, happy and full of hope, with love still being spread around, but then for me, at least, it is the other way round.
My humble experiences of 16+ years have taught me that most people just act rationally for self-interest. They seek to maximize satisfaction and gratification from others while in fact keeping their own interests. Sounds familiar? This is widely studied in economics regarding consumer behaviour, but to me, this seems to apply to inter-personal matters as well.
Probably I am destined to be a loner. I have hardly, or even at all, any friends. All the so-called "friends", or I would call them 'acquaintances', are with me because it is in their interests to be with me. People who stick to me because my results are better, people who talk to me because I have the power to control certain things, people who stick with me because I could influence the teacher's decisions sometimes (back in primary school). Name it, I have probably seen it. My first brush with reality was back in primary 3. After I failed to top the class, I noticed that some of my 'friends' started to leave me.
My family have consulted 2 fortune tellers and they said the same thing about my life, that is that I will have lots of enemies in my life. It is probably as well that life arranged this for me, for it has given me 2 gifts to help me, one that is able to think quick and fast, thus ensuring that I will not be easily susceptible to tricks. The second one is the constant siege mentality that everyone is against me that I always have. I thrive with this mentality and rewards including slightly better academic results. It is also the reason that I am more suspicious and I am slightly more hostile than others.
Well, I must say that my tagboard has been bombarded recently. I am open-minded enough to accept personal attacks, but then if you do not even bother to identify yourself, it warrants a delete. I have half a mind of who did it, cos I have seen those similies somewhere before and the sentence structure reeks of someone's. It did not cross my mind that he will visit here. After all, he detests me a lot and continues to poison me behind my back. I wondered who gave him the comm position even if he did not get into the comm 1 year + back. If he does not show gratitude, at least do not attack me. No matter how I try to ignore him, he will continue his barrage. I must say that I had the temptation to wage a counter-campaign, but then I stopped myself.
My grandmother once said that we should not push others to the end. That's why I feel that I should not rule with an iron fist with my power, but then somehow I feel that others are taking advantage of this. It is not good karma to hunt down others and end all possible routes of escape for them, that's why I always leave a route of escape for those I hate, so that they can retreat when they want to, but then this is possibly one of my pitfalls.
I may be wrong in certain things, including the person I suspect of attacking me personally on my tagboard, but then if it is not him, that I am sorry to that person. What I can do now is to treasure those around me now and hope that my newly formed friendships can last. If it does, it is a bonus for me. If it doesn't, at least I anticpated it, because that's just life. I just have to accept it.
shermon blogged @ 8:45 pm
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